I am a mom. I'm a lot of other things, too, but none of those things gets much time or attention lately, and they aren't the reason I'm starting this blog. So we will stick with that.
I am a mom of five children. I never really picked a number or had a goal. Almost immediately after my first child was born, my sister asked me when I was going to have another and I thought she was insane. (She did have two kids already and was pregnant with number three, so maybe she was a little insane.) I realized I would need to take it one kid at a time, and let go of any idea of how many to have in what time frame, just for my own sanity. After #3 was born, I felt distinctly that he wasn't the last and that there was one more waiting to join our family. I joke now that Max must've been hiding behind Mali in that "vision," likely giggling the whole time.
I am a homeschooling mom. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering why I thought it was a good idea to homeschool. I can tell you that when Zion turned 5 and was kindergarten age, the thought of having her leave our house for so many hours at school most of the year was very sad to me. I loved the idea of learning together. At the time I only had two kids, Clive was 2 1/2 at the time. Our early years of homeschooling (when I had only one child to educate) were very fun and relaxed. I loved it. I loved that school only took a couple of hours a day to complete, leaving us so much time for other interests and playing and field trips. We participated in play groups and Zion did Liberty Girls (a weekly book club for 6-9 year olds) and I even ran the Liberty Girls group for a year. Leif was born when Zion was 6.5 and Clive had just turned 4. Things were still pretty relaxed and not too stressful. At least in retrospect. It did become apparent that Zion had OCD, so that was a challenge for a few months. And as I started schooling with Clive, his resistance to participating in things that he wasn't in control of started to become apparent. But over all, we continued along well enough.
At the very end of 2011, I became pregnant again. In May of 2012 we found out that I was carrying twins. I feel like that was the "beginning of the end" as far as my ability to manage my homeschooling mom life in any sort of competent way. Maybe I was mostly winging it before, but it was working pretty well. As I tried to get excited to meet these two new little people, I couldn't shake the foreboding and dread that I just wasn't going to be able to keep things going.
And to be honest, I didn't. I haven't. The school year of 2012-2013 was insanely difficult. Clive attended a program 3 days a week, so that was good, as he is still a challenge to work with. Zion did a fair bit of independent work and I was able to get some help from a wonderful neighbor in her writing work. As I look back now, I'm amazed we did as well as we did, really, as my sleep was so fractured and I was constantly exhausted. I'm still tired, but now I see that I spent the first 9 months of the twins' lives, completely exhausted in every way. The first 6 months were the worst.
But anyways, here we are with them approaching 17 months, and I'm feeling pretty lousy about a few things in our family. The emotional drain of having a mother so spent has been high on everyone. We've gotten short-tempered and rather snappy at each other. Add to that the fact that it is winter and we are stuck inside more, and we're just having a rough time.
I yell too much. I overreact to the frustrations of my day.
There are many many many daily frustrations. So many. On days like yesterday, they pile up.
Starting the day at 5:30 (Thanks Max, the early bird)
Squabbling kids.
Someone pouting during Together Time.
Fussing twins.
Changing diapers on wiggly toddlers.
End of the month low on groceries.
Messy kitchen.
Dog barking.
Getting dinner in the crock pot while the twins pull stuff everywhere in the kitchen.
Clive being difficult during a spelling lesson.
Knowing that the twins won't get a full afternoon nap because I scheduled dentist appointments as I thought they'd be down to one nap by now.
Mali not getting a nap at all.
Walking into my bedroom to see Mali with an open marker (no idea why it was in my room), and ink all over her white leggings and her hands and my bed sheet.
Not being able to find a second snack cup (we own four) to pack to take to the dentist
Pulling out of the driveway and the van dying
Eventually getting to the dentist and having to manage the twins for 90 minutes while everyone has their checkups
I know I've left some things out. I just feel like I am not equipped for this. I have bought two parenting books in the last 8 months and can't find the time to read more than a couple chapters of them before they seem to disappear in the chaos for a while. If I had time to read more, maybe I'd be less overwhelmed and exhausted in the first place.
Anyways, maybe this will end up being the only post on this blog. Who knows. I'm hoping that I can be more aware of my actions and responses to daily frustrations and maybe feel like I'm getting better at this life as a homeschooling mom of five. The hopeful blog title is from the Beatles' song. Maybe only the chorus is relevant, but it's kind of a mantra for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP4apO4dbhw
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