Today is a pretty lousy day. Is it from the snow this morning (which is gone now)? Mali's lousy short nap? Max getting into the cat litter box and making a huge mess (2nd time in two days), or Max tearing leaves off my plant? Not being able to get anything done due to the twins' busy selves. Running out of milk? Feeling irritated about a Facebook interaction? What exactly is it that derails a day and makes it feel irrecoverable? Is it really irrecoverable? How do you start fresh in the middle of things and generate more goodwill to get through the rest of the day?
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
The ups and downs
Yesterday was a good day, overall. Clive had a bit of a meltdown over the spelling lesson, but we recovered after a bit and moved forward. Mali and Max took long naps in the morning. We spent quite a while outside.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Daily Frustrations 1/31/14
Maybe this is focusing on the negative, but sometimes I feel like I need to VENT about the sh!t that happens during the day, and David doesn't always respond like I want him to and I really don't want to turn Facebook into my own personal whiny minidrama. So I've decided to make notes on my phone. Hopefully this will help me stay a little calmer as I contemplate venting (privately) about it, and maybe it will be kind of funny if I ever decide to share this blog with people.
Mali had a mega poopy diaper right before nap and screamed and wiggled the entire time I was trying to change her.
No scissors either in my office or in the kitchen (where they are supposed to be) except for the crappiest pair. We have at least 6 good pairs of scissors.
Zion over scrunched the bag I asked her to hold for me that I was going to wrap Leif's birthday present in, tearing a hole and rendering the bag useless.
Came back in the garage from looking for wrapping paper and found Bandit (a cat) eating the ribbon I'd cut for wrapping Leif's present.
Helping Zion with her paper and getting frustrated by MS Word's stupid formatting.
Zion slamming around the piano when she couldn't find her pencil and knocking down our plaster of paris (or whatever it is called) family handprints. Luckily it didn't break.
Bashed my knee really hard on a wall corner.
Zion grumpy about having to take the garbage out in the late afternoon because she was working on something on the computer.
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I stopped taking notes after David came home...I don't get so overwhelmed when I feel like I have backup.
Mali had a mega poopy diaper right before nap and screamed and wiggled the entire time I was trying to change her.
No scissors either in my office or in the kitchen (where they are supposed to be) except for the crappiest pair. We have at least 6 good pairs of scissors.
Zion over scrunched the bag I asked her to hold for me that I was going to wrap Leif's birthday present in, tearing a hole and rendering the bag useless.
Came back in the garage from looking for wrapping paper and found Bandit (a cat) eating the ribbon I'd cut for wrapping Leif's present.
Helping Zion with her paper and getting frustrated by MS Word's stupid formatting.
Zion slamming around the piano when she couldn't find her pencil and knocking down our plaster of paris (or whatever it is called) family handprints. Luckily it didn't break.
Bashed my knee really hard on a wall corner.
Zion grumpy about having to take the garbage out in the late afternoon because she was working on something on the computer.
----------------------------------
I stopped taking notes after David came home...I don't get so overwhelmed when I feel like I have backup.
Humbled
You know what is painful? Realizing all of the stuff you completely suck at. (Yeah, the grammar on that sentence is appalling, but "Realizing all of the stuff at which you completely suck," just doesn't seem to say what I'm trying to say.) Sometimes I wonder if the Universe didn't send me twins to make me finally realize that I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING ON MY OWN! In school I always hated group projects because I felt like I invariably ended up with the dummies or the lazy people and ended up doing 85+% of it on my own. You don't have to look very hard at my life to see evidence of this "Look, I'll just do it myself" approach. Homebirth. Homeschool. I'm sure there are less obvious examples, but those two are huge and pretty dramatic, so I guess it's good enough.
When I have a problem I research. I read books, websites, forums, etc. Amazon is both a blessing and a curse for me because I will (and have) read literally dozens of reviews on an item before purchasing it. I think one thing that gives me a great deal of satisfaction is researching curriculum for school. Anyway, I am very good at finding answers, and am often a "go to" person for people I know when they have questions about something that falls within my fields of interest. But I am not so good at admitting when I don't know something, nor am I good at going to someone to ask for help. If a book or website can't help me, well, I guess I will just muddle along until I get it figured out ON MY OWN.
David and I had a long conversation tonight and he pointed out that everything I do, I tend to get wholly invested in, which leaves no room for anyone to help or offer suggestions or anything else. And it also explains why I am so blasted sensitive to critique or even non-positive comments. If you mention X, and X is something that I do, I am 100% tied up in X (even though it seems numerically impossible to be 100% emotionally tied up in X, Y, & Z, I somehow manage to do this) and therefore your comments will cut me to the core and I'll have to shut down to not be hurt. Why am I so afraid to face my own suckinesssometimes always? It isn't like I would actually ever claim to be an expert at X or the world's best Y, but I can't handle any critique of it.
When I have a problem I research. I read books, websites, forums, etc. Amazon is both a blessing and a curse for me because I will (and have) read literally dozens of reviews on an item before purchasing it. I think one thing that gives me a great deal of satisfaction is researching curriculum for school. Anyway, I am very good at finding answers, and am often a "go to" person for people I know when they have questions about something that falls within my fields of interest. But I am not so good at admitting when I don't know something, nor am I good at going to someone to ask for help. If a book or website can't help me, well, I guess I will just muddle along until I get it figured out ON MY OWN.
David and I had a long conversation tonight and he pointed out that everything I do, I tend to get wholly invested in, which leaves no room for anyone to help or offer suggestions or anything else. And it also explains why I am so blasted sensitive to critique or even non-positive comments. If you mention X, and X is something that I do, I am 100% tied up in X (even though it seems numerically impossible to be 100% emotionally tied up in X, Y, & Z, I somehow manage to do this) and therefore your comments will cut me to the core and I'll have to shut down to not be hurt. Why am I so afraid to face my own suckiness
I actually made my own poster version of the above to hang up in our kitchen for my kids' benefit. I guess I need it as much if not more than they do.
It's discouraging. David is really really great at strategic planning and all that sort of stuff. I am an idea person, great at ideas, not so great at execution. Really bad at tracking and data. He actually had me do a strengths profile/assessment that he and his business associates did (maybe I'll go into that more as I read through the results). Yeah...we're not super compatible in our strengths. Which, if we can EVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO COLLABORATE will be a good thing. But as it is and has been for the past 12 years, we mostly just butt heads and frustrate each other. I'm gonna stay optimistic, though, and think that me even being able to see my own sensitivity and having been drastically humbled are key steps towards that happening.
"...A little better all the time (It can't get more worse)..."
"...A little better all the time (It can't get more worse)..."
The Point
I am a mom. I'm a lot of other things, too, but none of those things gets much time or attention lately, and they aren't the reason I'm starting this blog. So we will stick with that.
I am a mom of five children. I never really picked a number or had a goal. Almost immediately after my first child was born, my sister asked me when I was going to have another and I thought she was insane. (She did have two kids already and was pregnant with number three, so maybe she was a little insane.) I realized I would need to take it one kid at a time, and let go of any idea of how many to have in what time frame, just for my own sanity. After #3 was born, I felt distinctly that he wasn't the last and that there was one more waiting to join our family. I joke now that Max must've been hiding behind Mali in that "vision," likely giggling the whole time.
I am a homeschooling mom. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering why I thought it was a good idea to homeschool. I can tell you that when Zion turned 5 and was kindergarten age, the thought of having her leave our house for so many hours at school most of the year was very sad to me. I loved the idea of learning together. At the time I only had two kids, Clive was 2 1/2 at the time. Our early years of homeschooling (when I had only one child to educate) were very fun and relaxed. I loved it. I loved that school only took a couple of hours a day to complete, leaving us so much time for other interests and playing and field trips. We participated in play groups and Zion did Liberty Girls (a weekly book club for 6-9 year olds) and I even ran the Liberty Girls group for a year. Leif was born when Zion was 6.5 and Clive had just turned 4. Things were still pretty relaxed and not too stressful. At least in retrospect. It did become apparent that Zion had OCD, so that was a challenge for a few months. And as I started schooling with Clive, his resistance to participating in things that he wasn't in control of started to become apparent. But over all, we continued along well enough.
At the very end of 2011, I became pregnant again. In May of 2012 we found out that I was carrying twins. I feel like that was the "beginning of the end" as far as my ability to manage my homeschooling mom life in any sort of competent way. Maybe I was mostly winging it before, but it was working pretty well. As I tried to get excited to meet these two new little people, I couldn't shake the foreboding and dread that I just wasn't going to be able to keep things going.
And to be honest, I didn't. I haven't. The school year of 2012-2013 was insanely difficult. Clive attended a program 3 days a week, so that was good, as he is still a challenge to work with. Zion did a fair bit of independent work and I was able to get some help from a wonderful neighbor in her writing work. As I look back now, I'm amazed we did as well as we did, really, as my sleep was so fractured and I was constantly exhausted. I'm still tired, but now I see that I spent the first 9 months of the twins' lives, completely exhausted in every way. The first 6 months were the worst.
But anyways, here we are with them approaching 17 months, and I'm feeling pretty lousy about a few things in our family. The emotional drain of having a mother so spent has been high on everyone. We've gotten short-tempered and rather snappy at each other. Add to that the fact that it is winter and we are stuck inside more, and we're just having a rough time.
I yell too much. I overreact to the frustrations of my day.
There are many many many daily frustrations. So many. On days like yesterday, they pile up.
Starting the day at 5:30 (Thanks Max, the early bird)
Squabbling kids.
Someone pouting during Together Time.
Fussing twins.
Changing diapers on wiggly toddlers.
End of the month low on groceries.
Messy kitchen.
Dog barking.
Getting dinner in the crock pot while the twins pull stuff everywhere in the kitchen.
Clive being difficult during a spelling lesson.
Knowing that the twins won't get a full afternoon nap because I scheduled dentist appointments as I thought they'd be down to one nap by now.
Mali not getting a nap at all.
Walking into my bedroom to see Mali with an open marker (no idea why it was in my room), and ink all over her white leggings and her hands and my bed sheet.
Not being able to find a second snack cup (we own four) to pack to take to the dentist
Pulling out of the driveway and the van dying
Eventually getting to the dentist and having to manage the twins for 90 minutes while everyone has their checkups
I know I've left some things out. I just feel like I am not equipped for this. I have bought two parenting books in the last 8 months and can't find the time to read more than a couple chapters of them before they seem to disappear in the chaos for a while. If I had time to read more, maybe I'd be less overwhelmed and exhausted in the first place.
Anyways, maybe this will end up being the only post on this blog. Who knows. I'm hoping that I can be more aware of my actions and responses to daily frustrations and maybe feel like I'm getting better at this life as a homeschooling mom of five. The hopeful blog title is from the Beatles' song. Maybe only the chorus is relevant, but it's kind of a mantra for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP4apO4dbhw
I am a mom of five children. I never really picked a number or had a goal. Almost immediately after my first child was born, my sister asked me when I was going to have another and I thought she was insane. (She did have two kids already and was pregnant with number three, so maybe she was a little insane.) I realized I would need to take it one kid at a time, and let go of any idea of how many to have in what time frame, just for my own sanity. After #3 was born, I felt distinctly that he wasn't the last and that there was one more waiting to join our family. I joke now that Max must've been hiding behind Mali in that "vision," likely giggling the whole time.
I am a homeschooling mom. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering why I thought it was a good idea to homeschool. I can tell you that when Zion turned 5 and was kindergarten age, the thought of having her leave our house for so many hours at school most of the year was very sad to me. I loved the idea of learning together. At the time I only had two kids, Clive was 2 1/2 at the time. Our early years of homeschooling (when I had only one child to educate) were very fun and relaxed. I loved it. I loved that school only took a couple of hours a day to complete, leaving us so much time for other interests and playing and field trips. We participated in play groups and Zion did Liberty Girls (a weekly book club for 6-9 year olds) and I even ran the Liberty Girls group for a year. Leif was born when Zion was 6.5 and Clive had just turned 4. Things were still pretty relaxed and not too stressful. At least in retrospect. It did become apparent that Zion had OCD, so that was a challenge for a few months. And as I started schooling with Clive, his resistance to participating in things that he wasn't in control of started to become apparent. But over all, we continued along well enough.
At the very end of 2011, I became pregnant again. In May of 2012 we found out that I was carrying twins. I feel like that was the "beginning of the end" as far as my ability to manage my homeschooling mom life in any sort of competent way. Maybe I was mostly winging it before, but it was working pretty well. As I tried to get excited to meet these two new little people, I couldn't shake the foreboding and dread that I just wasn't going to be able to keep things going.
And to be honest, I didn't. I haven't. The school year of 2012-2013 was insanely difficult. Clive attended a program 3 days a week, so that was good, as he is still a challenge to work with. Zion did a fair bit of independent work and I was able to get some help from a wonderful neighbor in her writing work. As I look back now, I'm amazed we did as well as we did, really, as my sleep was so fractured and I was constantly exhausted. I'm still tired, but now I see that I spent the first 9 months of the twins' lives, completely exhausted in every way. The first 6 months were the worst.
But anyways, here we are with them approaching 17 months, and I'm feeling pretty lousy about a few things in our family. The emotional drain of having a mother so spent has been high on everyone. We've gotten short-tempered and rather snappy at each other. Add to that the fact that it is winter and we are stuck inside more, and we're just having a rough time.
I yell too much. I overreact to the frustrations of my day.
There are many many many daily frustrations. So many. On days like yesterday, they pile up.
Starting the day at 5:30 (Thanks Max, the early bird)
Squabbling kids.
Someone pouting during Together Time.
Fussing twins.
Changing diapers on wiggly toddlers.
End of the month low on groceries.
Messy kitchen.
Dog barking.
Getting dinner in the crock pot while the twins pull stuff everywhere in the kitchen.
Clive being difficult during a spelling lesson.
Knowing that the twins won't get a full afternoon nap because I scheduled dentist appointments as I thought they'd be down to one nap by now.
Mali not getting a nap at all.
Walking into my bedroom to see Mali with an open marker (no idea why it was in my room), and ink all over her white leggings and her hands and my bed sheet.
Not being able to find a second snack cup (we own four) to pack to take to the dentist
Pulling out of the driveway and the van dying
Eventually getting to the dentist and having to manage the twins for 90 minutes while everyone has their checkups
I know I've left some things out. I just feel like I am not equipped for this. I have bought two parenting books in the last 8 months and can't find the time to read more than a couple chapters of them before they seem to disappear in the chaos for a while. If I had time to read more, maybe I'd be less overwhelmed and exhausted in the first place.
Anyways, maybe this will end up being the only post on this blog. Who knows. I'm hoping that I can be more aware of my actions and responses to daily frustrations and maybe feel like I'm getting better at this life as a homeschooling mom of five. The hopeful blog title is from the Beatles' song. Maybe only the chorus is relevant, but it's kind of a mantra for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP4apO4dbhw
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